I realised that kakak(my physiotherapist Pauline) was out to kill people instead of cure them. Lol. I got the gist of it. Warmup was the normal 20 on the bike. The calf press and leg press was crazy in caps. Like 39842857 of it in 80 pds of weight. Haha. The walking lunges was what got me. 4 laps of that, and few rounds of circuit training. Brings back memories, especially when I hasten my way through the ladder, and sprinting from side to side. Oh well.

I was not rejected today lol. So I happily made my way to J8 to catch a flick. The DaVinci Code. I've gotten the ink for my out-of-breath printer. So now I can happily print out my pornographic pictures. LOL. Ok I was just joking. Serious. Went for lunch at Macs after buying the tickets. Pretty hungry lah. Was telling Mayyee about what happened in a4 last Friday when I saw a bunch of girls DOING the Elmo Song in Macs, completely with super naff hand actions. I could have bawled my eyes out. Lol and the best thing was that they were from dearest Lim May Yee's school. I was laughing about how they trained Beatty girls to do that. Exceptionally dumb.

The movie was a SLIGHT disappointment. Maybe it's because I read the book. But it still was a good show. I was expecting more though but oh well. Next up is either X-Men or The Omen. I was talking to some kid about the movie while waiting for her to finish her toilet visit. Honestly I think she's got some kind of loving attachements to them. Haha the boy was so shy. I swear he was thinking I'm a weird lunatic trying to pick him up. Honestly mate I don't go for younger 'uns.

Because of yesterday, I wasna even able to walk straight today. Haha I feel so... disabled again. My thighs literally screamed when I went down the stairs. Such luck. Math tuition. Had lunch before that with Abg raq and mom.

As you can see I'm in the typing mood hence the relatively lengthy entry. Who cares. Anyway Qis was telling me to go for it. I honestly feel so lost I can't find my bearings about it.

Do you, do you really care?

ofblack&white
6:08 PM

I'm currently at I-feel-fucken-lazy-to-update-my-blog mood but I'll try, purely for future entertainment purposes.

Guilt is gnawing oh so hard. The usual rant of a deranged teenager (whyican'tstartstudyingWHY). Ah well. Tomorrow I pray, will be a bright day for me and you, so I can start studying.

Anyway the day was duly spent at NUS, in-charge of checking in the pre-u seminar participants. Prince George's Park is really a pretty residential. I love that solitude it offers. I don't know. I love silence and peace and tranquility =.= They got this mart/mamashop that sells everything from A to Z (except for proper food). Oh and the cafeteria aunty sells the most SPICIEST lemak chili padi. I died eating it with her sambal belacan. Haha I won't be surprised if I visit the toilet as often as a frog jumps. That sounded random but never mind.

I wanted to watch The DaVinci Code (it's a sin for me not to watch it YET =.=) just now but Mayyee wasna free. Aish. I'm trying to drag her on Wednesday. If else fails, I'll drag someone else instead.

Hrm hrm... You're all I ever wanted. hell. You're more than I ever wanted. Ever wanted to see.

ofblack&white
10:08 PM

An abrupt end of course, not to mention a very 'memorable' end to our soccer days. Getting trashed wasn't what we envisioned for an ending of course. As Cas said, the match was faintly dejavu. With the same referee, same opponent and (get this) SAME scoreline. Ah well. We just happened to be on the losing end.

But I'm not exactly sad about being the losing end. I don't mind losing all games if it means that we could still play together, train together. Go through shit together. I was prepared for this stepping-down thing obviously. I mean, every good thing will come to an end. I just don't want it to end. The school is too fucken poor to even pay Coach. Good God.

I fingered the bronze thinger. It was something we worked almost a year for. Something we hunger for. I would love to spend the day chit chatting at the gallery taking the time in the world to just change into boots and getting Francine to scream at us to come down. Kat and the rest cock-and-bulling around, occasionally throwing items like towels and bottles around. In the circle warming up with more cock-and-bull thrown in. Doing drills, laughing, then being reprimanded for laughing. Us being tortured to sprintandsprintandsprint like nobody's business. How we thought Mr Poh was pregnant when we first met him. Racing to the water cooler. Skipping in the field hand-in-hand with Zhong. Siti with that face of hers. Lol. It felt dumb, the moments. In the mud and rain screaming our lungs out. The small game of soccer. Laughing yet trying to take the trainings seriously. I hate the ladder still. It made us look dumb. Especially when one has long legs.

Haha. Cool down. With more cock-and-bull, injuries showed off. Stinky socks pulled out all muddy and wet. Comparing tan lines. Jokes. Talk about the funny moments of the training. The washing up. Deodorants. Splash water here and there. Dilly-dallying always to complete such a meage task like DECIDING WHERE TO EAT. They can take hours to decide, seriously. Going for matches at Farrer park and Eunos last year. Vague memory of celebrating Amanda's birthday at PS on a Wednesday night. Her dumb fractured finger. Then there's all the crappy politics. How we love them eh? LOL. try-outs for goalkey. Haha. Oh there's the chalet. Funny funny. The street soccer competitions. Power rangers! Le Fem-me. Stupid announcer doesn't even know how to pronounce. The bitchings of other school players like Milo and the rotund one. Painting the soccer banner for the second orient. Lol oh my stupidly sprained ankle.

Then the poster that Zhong and I made. Then we realised we forgot to put in our CCA NAME IN IT. Pasting it all over school. Laughing like a machine gun?? Oh the way home talks with Cas. And 100-pluses. Chrysanthemum teas too. The usual rants by the sexy and curvy one herself. About teachers and principal (in particular) and players and how we ought to play and such crap. How I have to bloody scrub the mud off the socks and rinse the boots and pt kit of course. Hahah the oh-so-familiar achings on the calves when we didn't cool down. And the wobbly feet when we have back-to-back trainings.

Need I say more? Haha I'm so fucken emo. I doubt any of them feel as much as I do, but I love my girls alot alot. And especially when I'm someone who finds difficulty in letting go. Just when we felt bonded.

Ah well. I touched that cool surface of the bronze and I nearly cried. Hahah. The end of a chapter. I hope a new one will be created.

Will miss the shennanigans of us. Let me sleep with memories for the night, and I'll concentrate on my studies from now on.

IV

ofblack&white
10:43 PM

I've said The Last Prayer for us, so we'll hope for the best.

Anyway school has been rather uneventful, yet hectic. Surprisingly hectic for a last week of school affair. Files to be checked, tons of revision plans to come up with for the 'holidays'. I hate it when they decieve us with such alluring words like 'holiday', since that is long forgotten in my dictionary. And whoever in their right mind would give us a test on the last week of school?

Digression: I typed everything without looking at the keys and I type fairly fast! WOW. Thanks MSN.

Ok so back to whatever I was talking about. I think time is running so so so so so fast. Seriously. I'm currently in disbelieve that I can actually sit and BLOG. The stress is getting on my nerves. But at least its not some matters-of-the-heart problems. That I cannot handle. Haha.

I am sure I'll feel glad when this year ends. I'll have mixed feelings actually. But hell. Everyone could do so much without this stress. The tutors are scaring my knickers off. The usual cliche applies; so much to do, so little time.

Today:
x GP compre.
x Demand & Supply
x Tutorial 34
x History filing.

Ok no. Screw History for the time being.

ofblack&white
8:03 PM

I would appreciate it if You could reward the girls with what they deserve, and frankly speaking with all that shit they've gone through they do deserve a win tomorrow. Oh well, God, maybe You have Your reasons to not let us clinch the medal, but then again I think it is deserving.

It is the last for all of the year 2s tomorrow and I want everyone to step down smiling, regardless the tears. Let them smile. Sad faces aren't the expression of the year as everyone might know. Let us be happy, let us leave with powerful memories, not rotten ones. Let gaps be patched. Let everyone embrace without hard-feelings.

We just want to win. Please grant our prayers. We yearn to leave a legacy.

Amin.

ofblack&white
7:51 PM

Ah. I think I'm clear-minded enough to blog about absolutely nothing. The day was spent with me buried deep in books. Both educational and entertainment. My head throbs after last night's.

I really felt empty. Up till the point that I could not take it. As if my raison d'etre just vanished. Haha. Hollow yesterday. Anger. That anger coursing through my veins, it made me feel remotely volcanic. I can't recall, I placed it out of my mind, I cannot see, especially when the day thankfully blurred by. Getting on slowly. I snapped and glared at every living soul within a metre radius. Cried. Oh well it's allowed once in a while is it not? Ah the icing of the cake would be the fucken math test. The prospect of losing my ego again was too... daunting.

So angry that I feel no pain when I inflict it physically. I could've beaten Schwarzenneger (however you spell it) to death. I didn't get much sleep I suppose.

Oh well. As you can see my humour's been gladly restored and I'm trying to go on blithely. How exciting no? I am amazed that I could manage Summation Notation and A.P G.P. Cheers to the wonders of Math.

I am sorry friends for being in a God-awfully-fucken mood.
Sorry angel.

ofblack&white
11:04 PM

I am tired. I had a bad week, though peppered with a LITTLE goodness. It's taxing.

We lost yesterday, one nil to the VJCians. It was a dumb goal really, but let bygones be bygones. It's like the sand slipping through the fingers cliche. You couldn't grab hold of them. But it is ok. I pray, we will clinch third, I pray, Mun's knee would be fine. I pray, everybody would be happy. I pray. Next week will be the last. I swear I'll cry. As much as I do not want to.

Lovely. I re-read some past entries and I realised it doesn't make any sense to the stray random reader. Who cares?

By Sunday I could compile my List Of Grievances for the week. Like it couldn't get any worse. Hahaha... The essay test like killed me. It just stabbed me to death please. Naz was kind. She bought me some fancy looking ace-of-spades earrings for me. Mine's plain. She bought hers that have those colourful crystal-thinger.

I shall emerse myself in Math TYS after dinner. Test tomorrow. I can't fool around anymore. High time to start the engines. I want to be back in sec 4, when procrastination was not a juggernaught that roared at me. When the computer was not that Goliath in black. When love was not wedged deep inside. Aaaahh.

I need a personal motivator. Please please save my A level cert from being horribly littered with Fs.

I want to be the reason for your smile dammit.

ofblack&white
7:41 PM

Oh my fuck I think I'm the only person capable of such disasters. Like what the fuck, I sprained my left ankle, the one that is not injured?! LIKE WHAAAAT.

I'm just so careless. I want to cry at my stupidity yet again. It's just too much. Like these things won't end? Till when will I stop having to depend on people. Sheeshness.

If the world is perfect. I want to lie down on the grasspatch that stretch for miles, lined with tress that have hand-like branches reaching out. I want to look up to that eternal sky and be swallowed up by it. Se the fluffy clouds stroll by. Do you think I would have any accidents that way? I was, oh immensely relieved to hear that it is me, not my parents, that will be having a stupendous date with one and only, Mrs Kok.

What ifs aren't worth thinking about don't you think? What has happened should just be left as it is. Digressing. Procrastination. I'm getting very random but let me be. Those words describe me so well I'm surprised it wasn't my middle name.

Nothing will actually change anything. Especially those of feelings.

Sucks. I should ice my leg again. Till later.

ofblack&white
9:08 PM

What is in life that makes it so interesting, so... yearned for? I'm agitated. Release the vibes.

Went for lunch at ljs, and my nice kind friend treated me. We went to find money plant for Mother's Day (can you believe it) and hunt for books in the library. I got to borrow a book. :) Walked back to the bus stop and I missed two buses; one was because I was too lazy to chase for it (I couldn't in any case) and next was because I happen to lose my wallet in my bag. I know it sounds dumb, its like losing a polar bear in the artics. What surprised me was that I could just blab on and on about particularly nothing. It was fairly enjoyable.

I surprised myself with... myself. It sort of revealed itself to me.
I hate to show any sign of weakness. Despicable.

Lol at least this entry made my day look FRACTIONALLY better.

ofblack&white
10:27 PM

Aaaaaaaahhh grumpiness why don't you go away?

Ah. School was fine. Quite a nice start but I still am grumpy for God-knows-what reasons. I've got bad bad news for myself. My results brought upon a visit to the Principal.Like things just don't get shitty enough?

=.= Let's try to be cheerful. I'm in the school library waiting for five o'clock to come, before I go and collect my free ljs. We have to do some research for GP, and I managed to get to do on Genocide (after much begging to Naz). It just about caught myeye, since it is about the World War II, especially about the Germans and their final solution and the Auschwitz camp. Call me morbid if you like, but I had this interest since I was a young girl about the Germans and their orderly "deportations" of the Jews. Some sort of an infatuation? I just interest me. Interesting to read how these son-of-whores denied the genocide with the most apalling excuses, how they actually felt proud for ridding the world of Jews. Well, to each his own.

I feel like screaming on top of a hill and letting the anger go. Hell. I'll just waste all these energy on Math and Economics. Southeast Asia and their nationalism and decolonisation craphell can really help themselves out the window.

ofblack&white
4:38 PM

Grumpiness sets in today, and emotions just run wild and explode. I just about bit anyone's head when they came a metre radius from me.

Gah. Thank God there's someone called Matin. He couldn't solve problems, but he could laugh at them. Ah well. What's with him and his shennanigans that I'm suppose to unravel. I want a solution from him.

Argh. When nobody could even help. I'll boil myself down. =.=

ofblack&white
8:13 PM

Second time in a week that I reached home at nearly 12. So I spent the day unfruitfully trying out Math and watching some outdated movies and thinking about what to wear for Gema later in the day.

So Gema this year wasn't so bad. I like the theme/topic. About teenagers having careless romping and the consequences it brought about. Though the Dikir Barat weren't AS power as last year. Maybe it's those mamats who were making rowdy noises at the back. So annoying. The play was also like a mass display of pretty people. Quite a number of them are either handsome/pretty. So interesting no? Overall it was good!

I feel so... haha bummed up. I met and saw Qis, Yats, Asnul, Amsani, Nadhirah(old TK), Nabila, Farah and gang, Matin and gang, Mazni Shan and Hani. Oh and a whole bunch from tuition too. I also got to know how Umaira looks like lol.

I think I should sleep now.
I am missing someone so bad.

ofblack&white
12:02 AM

I went tuition to kill tutorial 33. And I went out after for a hot date with one and only. It was maddening to only get to see her once every few while.We headed down to East Coast, and of course being unmindful (we forgot its actually A public holiday). It was packed like sardines I tell you. The privacy, OUR privacy will be breached and we would not like it. haha. Hopes dashed, we cabbed to Siglap and dined at Pizza Hut. Ah the place was renovated, it was simply... beautiful. Cosy feeling, though it is slightly small.

We talked alot, from school to social life.

Farn told me to try to forget. To find a another 'target'.
I said it's too hard now.
She said its futile. Along the lines that 'it won't work out'.
I told her I'll keep it to myself.
She said to try to stop. Or else it'll be harder to let go in the future.
I replied that it was just too late.

I think that's true.

ofblack&white
9:40 PM

Aaaah it has been a while since my body recognises an ache. It was a super tiring day yesterday, very packed, rushing here there everywhere but it had been a w o n d e r f u l day. Lol.

History lessons yesterday was interesting. We finished watching the video on Nicholas II. The video definitely romanticised the Tsar, but it is good, because it showed us another perspective of the Tsar himself. Anyway I dashed to J8 to do some belated shopping before meeting the ugliness herself to pass it to her. And I flew, I practically flew, to the hospital because I was kind of late for the physio session. Working out. Haha. The joys of it. I did 6 km on the bicycle, 50 squats, 100 calf stretches, 50 vertical pushup to further stretch it, and leg rotation exercise. I was wobbly after that. Lol. Oh and came the most-despised ice compress. Sucks. Lol end it up with an air compress to further push away whatever excess... fats on the foot (since its fat). I made a new friend Jenny who's 24, and got her ankle in bad shape because she fell in the drain. Lol. That'll be fairly what I'll be doing for every physio.

I reached home at 6.30pm and I had to, again, rush to prepare for the dinner. I was 15 minutes late for Shahirah. Everybody meet there and it was quite a jolly affair. Jokes thrown around, laughs, regaling stories and of course, the food. Lol. Nadzirah bodily dragged me out to do an interview for her. Photos in groups at the end of the dinner. It was 12 when I reached home. I felt so Cinderella-like.

Tired but it's nice. I'm meeting my darling Farn today. Yay.

Why? All that I ever see. My heart either beats too fast, or it simply stops beating when I saw.

ofblack&white
7:17 AM

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
DID IT!

The girls are IN the semi-finals! (or so they say). But we won! We really won! We did it! I can't believe it. I am so so so proud of them. Everyone was so high. Everyone was cheering and screaming, shouting and just beeeing happy! I jumped around and we hug everyone.

LOVE LOVE.

ofblack&white
7:20 PM

I have to put this up so i won't forget the link. In the name of God 1 and In the name of God 2. James LaBrie (the vocalist) can be abit wobbly at some parts but I could not blame him. All i have to say is, Rudess and Petrucci's duet-solo is simply the most amazing thing I've seen in my entire life. Oh and Myung does wonderful bass really, and Portnoy is just CRAZY with the drums. AAHH.

ofblack&white
9:27 PM

It's a random day with random weather and random thoughts. My foot looks more and more humane day after day. Pauline says I could start on light exercises this Thursday. I am looking forward to the day where I can run and jump and prance around like lost sheep. Wheee.

Today is a random day that brought me totally unrandom smiles of course. :D
I know I am being very lame so excuse me.

Tomorrow is the D-Day. We shall win. I believe in the girls. We can do it. I have faith in you. Let tomorrow not be anybody's last. Let tomorrow be a day without tears!

Cheers and a good evening. :)

ofblack&white
6:37 PM

To say that I didn't care would be an utter lie. Haha. I must I must I must start mugging. Will someone PLEASE turn on the engines so it'll work? I got to see coach just now. Chat with him and all. I miss him, and of course trainings and the rest. :( Oh bugger.

What do you reckon I would see when I face the mirror? People have wrong perception about me. They think I'm cheerful, selfless and whatever crap. Trusty. HAHA. That's what I got in the johari-survey thing. What the hell. I felt like the world's greatest actress. I see a liar, and a cheat, and a selfish person, and a wreck. Definitely jealous! Lol. I need a Gramy for that ya?

Oh hell Ili. You should stop procrastinating and start working NOW.
Bye people. Yesterday I dreamt of them. All of them. The friends. It was really wonderful. I was about to hug Qis I think when I was jolted out of sleep.

ofblack&white
7:52 PM

I suddenly felt like a writer. With many ideas swirling around my head like a cocktail, thinking of all the little things I could fuss about.i.e, Thinking how sucky it was when it rained, because my crutches tend to slip about like eels. Or to some extent, a large thought like why are we born? Ah but when it comes to actually penning it down, all thoughts empty and I became like a blank canvas.

I wonder if words are beautifully sincere or just treacherous. Like promises given. Always felt so empty. Like praises thrown out. It felt empty too, because they are merely words that often not meant anything. Do words have power? Surely not. Actions do.

Ah the joys of digressing. I could not come fully to the point of me blogging. To get some updates PAP won a fair amount of SMCs. And the Tampines GRC.

Oh how seductive memory is. Very. I'm often lulled back to its clutches, living in there forever. Notably days like last year's National Day eve I should think, or somewhere in October, or sometime on a Saturday. :) The world revolves around only me and. Ahha. With everything I am fighting all this while, it's a wonder why I'm clinging on for so so so long. Friends, the very few that know, gave SOME support. But anyway.

I'm publicising a good book I've just finished. Jodi Piccoult's My Sister's Keeper. Terrific work there. Uses one person on a myriad of characters, as if putting her own shoes into their lives. It's something about a child, 13 year-old, sueing her parents for her own body rights. They are not abusing her mind, just using her more like... an item to cure or keep up with her sister's leukaemia. She's a designer baby. Very very interesting and I guarantee it'll be a good read.

Good night people. I hope to dream. Again tonight.

ofblack&white
12:09 AM

My foot looked more human now after the physio session today. The people there are warm and friendly. I like. :) I slept for an hour or so while they worked out my foot. Aaahh I could kiss them for making it look... normal now.

School is school. Disappointments, and some pleasures of course :) Hamzah should have an idea what but I haven't give him any details. LOL! Well if he bothers listening. It's nothing dirty if that's what's in your mind. We watched Dead Poets' Society for GP. Half of it. I couldn't understand much due to the muffled sound system but I did catch it in the later part. It is fairly interesting.

Oh I hope that special someone liked the tissue pack I gave for her birthday. Haha!
Happy Birthday!

Ah yes yesterday I had the weirdest dreams. One was definitely about you. It made me smile :) And the other dream is... fairly disturbing. Like how I went around killing and slashing and stabbing people and I felt that i actually ENJOYED it. Creepy.
But, no worries about me being a blood-thirsty killer for the time being. I couldn't even chase a soul.

ofblack&white
6:19 PM

Oh! The rolling pride in the body as I watch the video! Super fabulous fantastic bellisimo whatever. Hahaha. I have alot of things to blog actually but I shall let the moment pass and make way for the SYF videos! I love this year's formations can. I finally got to watch it thanks to Chai Jing.

I Had a bad day but these cheered me up. IMMENSELY. :)

SYF 2002 Central Judging - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_lO6qW6YXE

SYF 2006 Central Judging - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ629rr6Ovc&search=SYF%202006

Unable to find 2004. But it will do for now!

ofblack&white
10:17 PM